Episode 24-
Bonnie Milletto
Bonnie Milletto on Finding Her Voice
Letting go of the past can be hard. So hard in fact that it’s easy to become defined by it. However, there are some extraordinary people out there who have re-written the narrative around themselves, inspiring others to do the same.
Today's guest is Bonnie Milletto, a motivational speaker, author, and youth advocate. As a lonely child who was in and out of foster homes, Bonnie was often told that she wasn't good enough and that she would never have a voice.
She was labelled 'high-risk' by her carers, who believed that her future was bleak. But Bonnie defied all the odds, and now passes her wisdom on to others who could benefit from a little support and encouragement.
Resources
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What's In This Episode
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Bonnie’s difficult childhood
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How Bonnie found her voice
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Why did Bonnie decide to become an author?
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Bonnie’s youth advocacy work
Transcript
Recording:
Extraordinary.
Leader.
Innovative.
Integrity.
Honest.
Courageous.
Curious.
Thoughtful
Brave.
Unafraid.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
There is a place where technology and art meet, where work and play are one and the same. When the threads of curiosity are pulled in this place, the spark of innovation ripples across industries. Those who make this place their home are giants, titans who pursue creative passion while leaving their mark.
Recording:
Creative.
Flexible.
Brilliant.
Clever.
Confident.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
They are courageous thought leaders set on changing the practice of dentistry in their corner of the world. More than the sum of their parts, we deconstruct the traits that bind these uncommon innovators.
Recording:
Humble.
Daring.
Disciplined.
Playful.
Principles.
Spontaneous.
Open.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
To discover what makes them Contrary to Ordinary, where we explore the extraordinary.
Hi there. I'm Dr. Kim Kutsch, host and founder at Cari Free. I'm fascinated by what makes the paradigm shifters, world shakers, and art makers tick. Let's embark on a journey.
Extraordinary is a place where ordinary people choose to exist. Together, we will trek the peaks of possibility, illuminate the depths of resilience, and navigate the boundless landscape of innovation, to discover how some of the most innovative dentists and thought leaders unlock their potential and became extraordinary.
On Contrary to Ordinary, we explore the motivation, lives, and the character of the innovators who see limitless potential around them, the people behind some of the largest paradigm shifts in the practice of dentistry and beyond.
Letting go of the past can be hard, so hard, in fact, that it's easy to become defined by it. However, there are some extraordinary people out there who have rewritten the narrative around themselves, inspiring others to do the same.
Today's guest is Bonnie Milletto, a motivational speaker, author, and youth advocate. As a lonely child who was in and out of foster homes, Bonnie was often told she wasn't good enough, and that she would never have a voice.
She was labeled high-risk by her carers who believed that her future was bleak. But Bonnie defied all the odds, and now passes her wisdom on to others who could benefit from a little support and encouragement.
Bonnie Milletto:
I had dreams, and then all of a sudden I would stop myself, because of my low self-confidence, no self-esteem, and my sense of worth, which was minuscule, and I would even challenge my own thoughts and dreams, "Who are you to dream? That's for the other people, the other people that grow up with a mom and a dad and a puppy, and all of those sorts of things."
So, I never thought that the world outside could be a world that I could thrive in. And it wasn't until I was 16-and-a-half years old, came out of the last home, my mother, I think she kind of knew where I was all along, but I went to live with my stepfather and mother, and Kim, I met five half brothers and sisters.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Wow.
Bonnie Milletto:
And I started the middle of my junior year at South Albany High School. I had never had a friend. I had never been to a game, a dance, a nothing. But God gave me a nicer appearance, so I knew how to dress the outside, but oh, my goodness, the inside was quivering jello. But I was like an open book, and I absorbed good, bad, and otherwise.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Right.
Bonnie Milletto:
And that's just how we learn in life.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Oh, yeah.
Bonnie Milletto:
Just get out there, see what happens, pick yourself up, and start again.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Yeah, make mistakes-
Bonnie Milletto:
Yep, yep.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
... and fall down, get back up, keep going.
Bonnie Milletto:
Oh, my gosh, Kim, I don't think there's enough band-aids at certain points of my life to cover those knees that were so badly beat up. But wow. And then, there were certain mistakes, or I call them lessons to be learned-
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Right, right.
Bonnie Milletto:
... that I got to go through several times because apparently I didn't get them the first time.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Right. I'm listening to your childhood. I can't imagine the challenges. How many foster homes were you in?
Bonnie Milletto:
I lost count, but I remember four.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Four.
Bonnie Milletto:
The four that I remember, and three of them were the same couple that moved from town to town-
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Okay.
Bonnie Milletto:
... from in and around Albany to Philomath to Jefferson. And I don't know if they did that to keep ahead of something or not, but they would write private contracts and take in an abundance of children.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Wow.
Bonnie Milletto:
And at that time it was a moneymaking proposition.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Yeah, yeah.
Bonnie Milletto:
So, again, rewriting your own story, you can overcome any obstacle. What I realized, Kim, is that we are our greatest limiting factor in life. And I certainly stood in my own way on what was possible for me, to even have a dream, to even act upon it and think that I was worthy to act upon it, then to reap the reward of, "I made a difference in your life or just showing up or what I said"?
The words we say to others are so important, but you know what, the words we say to ourselves are even more important because we're always listening. I can be my hero and take myself from zero to the next dream, or I can hold myself back and say, "Who do you think you are?"
No, we don't do that anymore, but for years I did buy into that. And I just worked harder than anyone else. I tried to outwork, and I became a workaholic. And it's like, "Okay, I can do that." And then, I became the enabler. "Okay, fine, that's fine."
And everybody would go home and they'd be happy, I'd be driving home and I'm crying, because I'm exhausted. I'm trying to be who you want me to be so that I will fit in.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Right.
Bonnie Milletto:
It did just the opposite.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Yeah. What would you say a couple of your strengths are, Bonnie?
Bonnie Milletto:
My biggest strength, and this is where I'm paid the most compliments, if you're looking for, how do people define you, is, I notice people. I not only notice you, I look at you, I listen to you. As much as I love to laugh and carry on, it is you that I want to know more about.
And the more that I know about, convinces me that we are a heck of a lot alike than we are different, no matter if you've got all these initials behind your name. And me, Bonnie, I've just barely passed high school. But you know what? I passed.
And I went on to be a director at a college, I went on to manage a part of your beautiful dental practice. Remember when you followed me into the parking lot, and I thought, "Oh, dear, Father, I am a patient." And I turn around, and you have this big dream, and this building, and bringing on associate dentists, and all of this.
And then you said, "I love your attitude and how you notice people, how you work with people. Would you consider thinking about managing part of that new office?" And I remember looking up at you at the time and thinking, "What is happening?"
And it was maybe a little inappropriate, but I said it from my heart, "Hell, no. I don't even know when to change a toothbrush." You tell me that every six months. Well, I went back to my office at home, Federal Savings and Loan in Albany.
We had been, at that time, through a couple of mergers, an acquisition. Sometimes I have trouble saying that big word, but I did pass high school. And I thought, "A new president comes in, a new team, I am one of the very few that is keeping my job. How much longer will this last?"
And then, Kim, you said something that was like that shiny carrot, "Did I mention we work a four-day work week?" "I'm coming, Kim, I'm coming!" It was the best five years of my life; the environment, the noticing me, noticing every team member you had in that office.
Without even saying a word, Kim, your presence was the example that says, "Bonnie, I value and appreciate what you do with this team." And when it was time for me to leave and go and pursue that dream that I could barely say out loud, "I want to be a motivational speaker," you said, "Soar."
You were happy. You taught me so much without even saying a word. Your presence said, "I see you, I value you, you have a home here." And here I'm back doing this podcast, and I am so proud of you, and I am so fortunate to have a Kim in my life.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Oh, well, thank you.
Bonnie Milletto:
We all need that Kim.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Bonnie, you're humbling me here.
Bonnie Milletto:
Okay, so maybe you'll take me-
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
You're going to make me cry, you're going to make me cry.
Bonnie Milletto:
Do you know what, don't cry because maybe you'll take me for a cheeseburger or something afterwards.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
You know what, the theme here I hear from you is really how you value other people, and you notice them. And I think that comes from your childhood experiences. I think that you soar and you excel at that because of your experience. So, you took something that was very negative, and you turned it into something that was extremely positive. And I think that extraordinary people do that.
We always think of these people who are so successful, and successful in life, not just finances, but successful in life in general, we look at them and think, "Well, they've got something special. There's something about them that I don't have." And you think that they had... "Well, they were privileged," right?
Bonnie Milletto:
What I know right now is what I didn't know for many years is that we all have that specialness, that uniqueness inside of us. We all have a gift to offer ourselves and to offer others. What it does take though, Kim, is an unwavering belief in ourselves that we are special, that we are unique, that we all have something of value to offer people.
I remember, years ago I sent out like a little questionnaire to the people that I trusted, that wouldn't say, "Oh, why are you doing this? You're being silly," or whatever. They took it seriously when I said, "When you think of me, what are the qualities that come to mind?"
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Like many of my guests, Bonnie's life and career went in many different directions. On that journey, she constantly challenged what was expected of her. At the age of 19, Bonnie, who had barely even finished her education, became the director at her local bank with 11 branch managers reporting to her. However, even with all her success, Bonnie still needs a reminder of her talent from time to time. Thankfully, that reminder is in her desk drawer.
Bonnie Milletto:
I have a file, I call it Bon's Feel-good File. These are all the notes and letters, and, "You changed my life by listening to me, by picking up the phone and talking to me. This is what you've done for me." That, for me, is success.
And then, the ultimate success on comparing myself to others, when I went into the speaking world, I thought, "Oh, dear Father, here I go." I don't have a website, I don't have a booklet, I have nothing but just an overriding belief that this is the gift that God made me to touch and change lives.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
So, looking at your career, because you've done so many different things, what would you consider your greatest accomplishment? What's the accomplishment that you're most personally proud of?
Bonnie Milletto:
My accomplishment is seeing my kids accomplish their dreams. My accomplishment is, "Okay, here I did another not-so-good thing, but I was raising children with the tools I had at the time." And you work hard. You want something, you work hard.
You work harder than that person next to you. That's how you're going to achieve, that's how you're going to climb that ladder of success. It was all of the things that I saw in movies, and you'll be someone.
Well, that led to a lot of burnout, a lot of, "Why am I not happy and I've received all of these awards?" "Well, honey, just be yourself." You know, I am proud that I instilled a work ethic in my children that is by far and away the strongest work ethic around, but also the liberty when they, unlike their mama trying to fit in by being the workaholic said, "But I'm not happy, and I'm going to choose another path."
So now, my children, my grown children are teaching me, "My uniqueness and my own value and success is what I say it is, not measured by your standard or what you think it should be." So I stopped shedding all over myself, and now I fly every day.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
She's also been gracious enough to put many of the stories and lessons she's learned over the years onto paper. Her first book, Dedicated to the Cup: Nine Ways to Reinvent A Life, is a collection of inspirational stories from people who have prevailed through life's challenges and setbacks.
Her second book, Been There, From Stuck to Unstoppable, gives the reader actionable steps to help them thrive. Writing a book is hard. I say this as someone who has written a few of them. I think a lot of people underestimate how much work goes into it. In many ways, it becomes your life, something that you need to cultivate every single day. You don't just write a book, you live it. I'd love to hear why Bonnie decided to go on this authorship journey.
Bonnie Milletto:
Now, Kim, I have to be very honest, I'm a storyteller, like you. And I love listening to people's stories, learn by them, share them, all of the things. I was still self-doubting myself, "Nobody's going to want to read about you, Bonnie."
So, here I am, flying all over the United States, outside of the United States, meeting fascinating people. And even my own family, my friends, fascinating stories. I would ask them, I want you to write a story of overcoming. See, it's always about, with me, overcoming to find who you really are, to have that unwavering belief.
So, I would ask my family to write a story, I would ask the person that I met in New York and was so taken by a 9/11 responder, I would ask a dear friend that, right out of college, went to work in the White House press room and her mentor committed suicide because of all the stress, I would ask these fascinating people in my life to write a story.
Many of the stories, Kim, and I thought I knew them well, I never heard. For them, they said it was freeing, it was liberating. And it helped others to resonate. Not all the stories are going to resonate with you because there is quite a vast array of people, but you'll find one, two, or maybe three. One of my best friends, a top labor law attorney and how she grew up and the mistakes she made...
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Hi, Contrary to Ordinary listeners. We're going to take a short break from this conversation for our segment questions with Dr. Kim. Don't go anywhere.
In this segment, I'll answer a listener's question about their dental health. If you have a dental question that you want answered, then send it to podcast@carifree.com, that's C-A-R-I-F-R-E-E.com, and add, "Questions with Dr. Kim" in the subject line. If your question gets read out on the show, then we'll send you a small gift to say thanks for checking in.
This week's question reads, "My kid has cavities on their baby teeth. Should they be filled?" Thanks so much for the question. If your child has cavities, also known as dental caries or tooth decay, on their baby teeth, it is generally recommended to have the cavities treated or filled.
It's important to have these baby teeth maintained to reduce pain and discomfort, prevent further damage and more complicated procedures, maintain space for the permanent teeth, and avoid future crowding, prevent infections, and also create good oral health habits in children.
When your child has cavities in their baby teeth, it's important to schedule an appointment with a dentist or pediatric dentist as soon as possible. The dental professional will evaluate the extent of the cavities and recommend appropriate treatment options, which may include use of silver diamine fluoride, dental fillings, or other restorative procedures like dental crowns for more severe cases.
Dental professionals are trained to work with children, and provide a comfortable and supportive environment during dental procedures. They can also offer guidance on preventive measures such as proper oral hygiene and dietary recommendations to help prevent future cavities. Treating cavities in baby teeth is a proactive step to help ensure your child's oral health, and prevent potential complications down the road.
And if you, dear listener, would like more information on all things dental, then head to carifree.com, C-A-R-I-F-R-E-E.com, where we've got more resources on dental health and our line of Carifree products that can help you keep a healthy smile. Right now, let's get back to the conversation.
Bonnie Milletto:
The second book, Been There, From Stuck to Unstoppable, are the messages I kept getting when I would come off-stage, "Bonnie, go back to what you know. It's going to help youth and people get out of their own way. You know what it is, do the work." Four years of doing the work.
I wrote the activity book, and then eight hours of curriculum. And just this May of this year, have you heard of Salvation Army Kroc Centers?
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Mm-hmm.
Bonnie Milletto:
Starting with the Kroc Center in Salem, Oregon-
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
In Salem, yeah.
Bonnie Milletto:
... they call me, "You found a home-
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Wow.
Bonnie Milletto:
... we want to adopt this into our youth programming. Would you come and train our facilitators?" So I did that for two months. And then, I got about 16 leaders from the bank executives to the janitors, janitors are the most amazing people that have the most special gifts, that have supported this work. It has been so amazing.
So now, we just concluded this 7-week series of classes. Now, Employment Department, when I spoke to them right before COVID shut everything down, they wanted me to speak to the barriers that people have to employment. I had just started this work. They were all over it.
They said, "Bon, we do such a good job at one-page resume, 'This is what you wear to an interview. This is what you say.' But who works with those inside barriers, those limited beliefs, those self-doubts?" So, this book is getting ready to go into its second printing. And Kim-
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
How exciting.
Bonnie Milletto:
... KeyBank executives came in, saw the work I was doing, sent an email to the CEO of the Kroc Center, "We are granting $10,000 specifically for Bonnie Milletto's printing of books and materials to take this to the next level." They gave a $10,000 grant.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Wow.
Bonnie Milletto:
So, Kim, even if I wanted to stop now, I'm reaching that tipping point, and it's getting a life of its own.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
That's so exciting.
Bonnie Milletto:
It's going back to what I know, Kim-
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Right.
Bonnie Milletto:
... and how I limited myself for so many years and didn't believe in myself.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
And it's really your own journey that's reflected in this book.
Bonnie Milletto:
Oh, it is.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Spending 16 years in foster care brought unimaginable sadness to Bonnie's life. But now, through her youth advocacy work, Bonnie is giving kids and young people the chance to find the confidence to use their voices.
Bonnie Milletto:
Most definitely. I came back here to Albany, what I consider my home, where I raised a family. I graduated from South Albany High school classes, Lin Benton Community College. I came back here and was asked to join the board of CASA. I am, let's see, going on three years.
I will say though, at the beginning of this year, with this work taking off and me going a 100 miles an hour, I said to the Director and the board, "If you have a member at large position, please put me in that," because I am not able to step up and be active like I have been in the past with this organization, but I am a voice for the voiceless.
And so, coming back here to join that board, and then to also work with the Albany School District and the Albany Foundation, I helped, at the beginning of last year, kick off a new mentor program for youth, youth that graduated from high school and was going on to Oregon State or Ling Benton.
So, I came back and worked in that program, and spoke and opened up that as well. So, coming back here, this is where my heart is. It doesn't matter where I live, I always, well, Kim, I feel like I belong now. I fit, and I have something of value.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Wow. That's beautiful, Bonnie. This may seem like a silly question. I think you're one of the happiest people I know.
Bonnie Milletto:
When I'm around you, I am, because I think you are one of the happiest people. Yeah.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Okay, I'll take that. What do you think the... For me, going through this podcast, interviewing all these extraordinary people has been a journey for me as well. And I think that I've learned so much more than maybe they have. And I hope that people that have joined us on this podcast feel like they're getting something and learning something. But what do you think the secret of happiness is? How do you define happiness, or, in your life, how do you look at that as a role?
Bonnie Milletto:
You know, I really don't define it as much as I feel it. And I think it was, oh, my gosh, this is going back maybe a couple of years, Abe Lincoln had said something along the lines of, "People are as happy as they let themselves be."
Basically, you get up in the morning, we get to decide what it's going to be right then and there. You shared your walk with God every day. Before I get out of bed, Kim, I have said the same things for years, "I lay there, dear father, fill me with love and grace. Guide me. In Jesus' precious name, amen."
Because being pushed through school, you're going to find this laughable, and I want you to laugh, being pushed through school, and I'm a motivational speaker, dang it, I did not learn phonics. And who made this book called a Bible with these big long-ass names in it that I could not even try to describe.
You know, the Chancellor at Corban University, and the Executive Dean, I work with the students out there, and here's Sheldon and Griff Lindell, and during one of the breaks I said, "Why do you keep calling the Christian heathen to come back and work with these students?"
And I said, "I don't even read the Bible." And they laughed, "Bonnie, don't you know? Look at you and how people feel when they're around you. You are church-walking."
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
I see a lot of parallels with past guest, Pastor Laura O'Brien, here. Laura didn't have a traditional route to faith. What she did was tap into a hope and charisma that she had within her, and let that flow through her preaching. I think Bonnie has some of this in her too. She makes people feel at peace, like they're in a church. Something that a lot of people don't know about Bonnie is that she has a huge chosen family.
Bonnie Milletto:
I don't collect money or things, I collect people. Growing up alone, to me, family is what you say it is. I am now up to, well, I think it's 19, but I've been told 21 other daughters. Now, my husband, when we first got together and I would talk about my children, and I would talk about the other daughters, he thought I was in a cult.
And it's like, "Um, what religion are you?" And I'm going, "Well, now, why do you say that?" And he goes, "Now, I just met an other daughter. What does that mean?" "Well, it means that I didn't actually give birth to her, but she's been in my life forever."
I take in young women, I stay with them throughout their lifetimes. They call me in times of trial, "What would you do?" They call me in times of celebration. I am at their weddings. I never forget them on their birthdays. I am at the hospital when they give birth to their babies.
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Wow.
Bonnie Milletto:
I notice them. I make them feel special. It goes back, Kim. I learned the lesson to give what I always wanted, that is so valuable, to know that one person believes in you, that one person is going to be on your butt if you're going down the wrong path, that one person will never stop believing in your potential.
And now, oh, my goodness, now, they are having little ones of their own that think I'm their Nana Bon-Bon too, and now they want to have their adventures with me. So, my husband now laughs and says, "Well, when you get older, you're going to have so many around you that can actually change your diaper. Thank you, thank you."
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Can actually help you. Well, there was an image we don't need to go into. Wow. Well, thank you so much, Bonnie. You have touched me. Oh, goodness. Wow. On that note.
Bonnie Milletto:
All right, is it time for cheeseburgers?
Dr. Kim Kutsch:
Yes. Yes. So, on that note, thank you, Bonnie.
I know what you're thinking. I can tell you right now that I don't lure all of my guests here with the promise of cheeseburgers. Bonnie's journey is really incredible, and also speaks to how our childhood experiences can stay with us for long into our adult life.
However, with a little love and care, everyone can be given the opportunity to be their best self. Thank you so much, Bonnie Milletto, for joining me today. And thank you for coming on this journey with me today.
Around here, we aim to inspire and create connections. We can't do it without you. If this conversation moved you, made you smile, or scratched that little itch of curiosity today, please share it with the extraordinary people in your life. And if you do one thing today, let it be extraordinary.